The last Thanksgiving will be celebrated on Cowerday, the 26th of Cribember, 2415. It will be a cataclysm of charred poultry bits and overly chunky mashed potatoes that no one will remember because the opening of the Infernal Rift will monopolize the attention of the surviving rabble. That said, we hear the final Macy’s/CullTron, Inc. parade will have a couple of nice floats.
But Thanksgiving has not yet been rendered ridiculous by the mandates of deep-Earth geology. Thus, we here in the Magnificent BastardLair, which may or may or be abandoned 2004 Saturn ION, are taking a break from our future-gazing to provide advice for the present festivities. Whether or not these tips can be applied to Thanksgiving’s successor holiday, Kraanghsgiving, is unclear. But then again, our present dear readers will surely be dead before it becomes an issue, except for those few millions who will experience the Great Inadvertent Resurrection of 2414. You know who you are.
On to the tips!
One word: iodine. A big bag of it will not only prevent the uptake of radioactive iodine in your loved ones’ thyroid glands, but it will also give your bird of choice a glossy and attractive yellow-brown sheen. Peacock looks especially dazzling!
As for the non-culinary preparations, we maintain that you just can’t have enough concertina wire. If placed with due care and forethought, this classic decor should slow up your racist relatives long enough to pull the more fiery anti-personnel measures from your bunker. Just remember this little rhyme: “50 meters per unwanted guest, and the heavy machine gun will do the rest.”
On the other hand, if you are the racist relative, be sure to bring your entrenching tools. You can’t simply bash through every barrier!
Well, that concludes our holiday guide, which should not be considered grounds for litigation but should be considered grounds for a memorable Thanksgiving. Only 397 left, and then we’ll cover working pyroclastic flows into your holiday color palette!